Losing my Faith

Oh how frustrated I am!I’m just a few stitches away from completing my Faith Jacket, and I’ve run out of yarn.I have more in the shop, but this stuff is 165 yards per skein, and I need maybe three yards.So, this I can deal with.However, I am so unbelievably stupid, that I’ve lost two skeins of black silk I was using to crochet the strips together.How do you lose two skeins of yarn?I’ve asked everyone who was in on Friday if they had seen it, but no one has.These wonderful women helped me look, and even looked among their own things, but to no avail.Perhaps I put it “in a safe place”; perhaps I accidentally tossed it when I was cleaning up.Note to self: never clean up.This is so frustrating.I don’t deserve this jacket.

So, today, I went to the shop and scoured everything.It’s not in the sale bin.It’s not under the table. It’s not in any of my dozen knitting bags.Not in the car; not in the bedroom; not under the bed; not on the sofa; not under the chair. Not in a box, not with a fox, not in a train, not in the rain.I do not see it here or there, I do not see it anywhere.So my stomach churns with the following thought:Is it possible that I threw it out?Possible, yes.Perhaps even likely.My mother once lost a bank envelope containing $500.She found it in the trashcan in the garage.Would I go dumpster diving for 2 skeins of black La Luz?Maybe – only the dumpster’s been emptied.

So, I’m so angry with myself that I cannot even knit.For me, knitting is a little reward I give myself when I’ve completed my work.Something that brings me joy.I don’t deserve joy.I’m careless and disorganized.I need to be in the stocks with a sign over my head that says: “Ye stupid knitter – lost 2 skeins precious silk”I deserve to be pelted with skeins of Red Heart yarn in garish neon colors.I should be forced to knit acrylic yarn with bent aluminum needles.That would teach me to be more careful.

So, what to actually do. I ask myself, What is this jacket called again? Faith. Hmmm. Perhaps I'm not meant to finish this jacket right now. Perhaps there's something more critical to be done. But what? Who knows. But until then, I will wait, and I will have faith.